So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
