so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
