I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
