i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
