I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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