Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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