I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
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Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
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Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
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