So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
