there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
