It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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