so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
