i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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