I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
