Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Randomize
