are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
