Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
