all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
