It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
