I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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