Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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