I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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