He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Houston, we have a squirter
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
