Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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