Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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