not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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