Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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