The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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