I CAN MOONWALK!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
