My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
