Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Bring me that man meat
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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