fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
