my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
