just tell him i said nine months
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
