We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
