oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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