She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i came on her dog
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
