Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
