woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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