well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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