I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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