3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
