The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
