My liver just broke up with me...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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