R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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