Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
