Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
