Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
