How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
