She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
