I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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