You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
