I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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