Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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